Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
