would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
