he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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