I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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