I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
