I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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