I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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