In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
