Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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