he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
