textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
