I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
