I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
