I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
