It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
