I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
