Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
