how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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