Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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