She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
