one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
