I wanna passion pit in your ass
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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