I wish I could punch you in the face.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
