I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
