Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
