Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
