You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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