tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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