The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
