So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
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So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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