i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
