I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
