Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dignity is for republicans.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
