You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
