My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
