She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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