RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
