There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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