Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
