What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
