You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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