Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I could fuck to npr.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
