Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
jump out the window naked night went bad
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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