I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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