How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
