I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
