The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
