Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
