my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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