Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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