I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
