you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
