i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
