1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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