I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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