Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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