Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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