My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
