john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
