i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
